For Indigo

Indigo love,

This will be my first of the hundreds of letters I'm going to write to you.

It's 12:06 A.M. on my desktop, December 01, 2010. 13 days from now I will see you again and I promise it to you that this will be the last time I'll be away from you this long.

I thought there will be nothing in my life I will regret doing. But then you came and I have to leave you, doing it was the greatest mistake I have ever done so far and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I'm sorry for not being there for you, for not able to breast feed you even if I wanted it so much and that I can only do it for a month. Maybe if I have done it longer you will be more healthier than you are right now.

I'm so sorry babe.

One day I'll tell you everything. One day I'll explain it to you and I'll make you understand everything. And no matter what it takes love, I will never leave your side again this long and this far. It breaks my heart leaving you, please don't hate mommy for doing such. Please don't ever think that I love you less because I swear to heaven and earth, I love you very much and I will never stop loving you. I couldn't imagine not loving you or that I'll stop loving you. You are my life. You are so special to me. I love you more than you or I can imagine.

13 days to go love, I couldn't wait.




Here's a poem I wrote for you one night when I couldn't sleep back after I feed you.

7:47 when she came out
eked a tiny little coo
she kicked and cry.
blood stains.
she’s pretty,
she's perfect-unassuming, unnerving. 

cocooned in my arms, 

in this dark, frigid night,
i whispered a little prayer for you,
that one day, this world would be a better place for you.

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